Invictus

Invictus

William Ernest Henley

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.       

Limericks

Once there was a man named McLean,
Who invented the beat-off machine.
On the twenty-third stroke,
The damned thing broke,
And beat both his balls to cream.


A vice both perverse and unsavory,
Holds the Mayor of Birmingham in slavery;
With bloodcurdling howls,
He deflowers young owls,
That he keeps in an underground aviary.












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Jottings of New York

Jottings of New York

by William Topaz McGonagall

OH mighty City of New York! you are wonderful to behold,
Your buildings are magnificent, the truth be it told,
They were the only things that seemed to arrest my eye,
Because many of them are thirteen storeys high.
And as for Central Park, it is lovely to be seen
Especially in the summer season when its shrubberies and trees are green;
And the Burns' statue is there to be seen,
Surrounded by trees, on the beautiful sward so green;
Also, Shakespeare and Sir Walter Scott,
Which by Englishmen and Scotsmen will ne'er be forgot.
There the people on the Sabbath-day in thousands resort,
All loud in conversation and searching for sport,
Some of them viewing the menagerie of wild beasts there,
And also beautiful black swans, I do declare.
And there's beautiful boats to be seen there,
And the joyous shouts of the children do rend the air,
While the boats sail along with them o'er Lohengrin Lake,
And the fare is five cents for children and adults ten is all they take.
And there's also summer-house shades and merry-go-rounds,
And with the merry laughter of the children the Park resounds
During the livelong Sabbath-day,
Enjoying the merry-go-round play.
Then there's the elevated railroads, about five storeys high,
Which the inhabitants can see and hear night and day passing by,
Oh! such a mass of people daily do throng,
No less than five hundred thousand daily pass along,
And all along the City you can get for five cents,
And, believe me, among the passengers there are few discontent.
And the top of the houses are all flat,
And in the warm weather the people gather to chat,
Besides on the house tops they dry their clothes,
And also many people all night on the house-tops repose.
And numerous ships and steamboats are there to be seen,
Sailing along the East River Water so green;
'Tis certainly a most beautiful sight
To see them sailing o'er the smooth water day and night.
And Brooklyn Bridge is a very great height,
And fills the stranger's heart with wonder at first sight,
But with all its loftiness, I venture to say,
For beauty it cannot surpass the new Railway Bridge of the Silvery Tay.
And there's also ten thousand rumsellers there,
Oh! wonderful to think, I do declare
To accomodate the people of that city therein,
And to encourage them to commit all sorts of sin.
And on the Sabbath-day, ye will see many a man
Going for beer with a tin can,
And seems proud to be seen carrying home the beer
To treat his neighbours and family dear.
Then at night numbers of the people dance and sing,
Making the walls of their houses to ring
With their songs and dancing on Sabbath night,
Which I witnessed with disgust, and fled from the sight.
And with regard to New York and the sights I did see,
One street in Dundee is worth more to me,
And, believe me, the morning I sailed from New York
For Bonnie Dundee, my heart it felt as light as a cork.

---

 
by William Topaz McGonagall

Violate Me in the Violet Time

Violate me, in the violet time,
In the vilest way that you know!
Desecrate, savage me
Utterly ravage me
On me no mercy bestow.
To the best things in life I am cold and oblivious
Give me a man who is lewd and lascivious, to
Violate me, in the violet time,
In the vilest way that you know!

Violate me, in the violet time,
In the vilest way that you know!
Desecrate, savage me
Utterly ravage me
On me no mercy bestow.
I'd never go with a man for his money,
Just find me one who will fuck like a bunny, to
Violate me, in the violet time,
In the vilest way that you know!

No Balls at All

No Balls at All

Oh, listen my children, a story you'll hear.
A song I will sing you; 'twill fill you with cheer.
A charming young maiden was wed in the Fall.
She married a man who had no balls at all.

No balls at all.  No balls at all.
She married a man who had no balls at all.

The night of the wedding she leaped into bed.
Her breasts were a-heaving; her legs were well spread.
She reached for his penis; his penis was small.
She reached for his balls; he had no balls at all.

''Oh mother, oh mother, oh, what shall I do?
I've married a man who's unable to screw.
For many long years, I've avoided the call,
Now I've married a man who has no balls at all.''

''Oh daughter, oh daughter, now don't feel so sad;
I had the same trouble with your dear old dad.
There are lots of young men who will answer the call
Of the wife of a man who has no balls at all.''

Now the daughter, she followed her mother's advice,
And she found the proceedings exceedingly nice,
And a bouncing young baby was born in the Fall
To the wife of the man who had no balls at all.

Spoken:  No testicles whatsoever!

Who Did the Pushing?

Was it you who did the pushing
left the stains upon the cushion
footprints on the dashboard upside-down
Was it you, who's sly woodpecker
who got into my daughter Rebecca
if it was you, you better leave this town
    
Response:
Yes, was I who did the pushing
left the stains upon the cushion
footprints on the dashboard upside-down
But, since I've got into your daughter
I've had trouble passing water
so, I guess we're even all around!!

A New Year's Resolution to Leave Dundee

A New Year's Resolution to Leave Dundee

by William Topaz McGonagall

Welcome! thrice welcome! to the year 1893,
For it is the year I intend to leave Dundee,
Owing to the treatment I receive,
Which does my heart sadly grieve.
Every morning when I go out
The ignorant rabble they do shout
'There goes Mad McGonagall'
In derisive shouts as loud as they can bawl,
And lifts stones and snowballs, throws them at me;
And such actions are shameful to be heard in the city of Dundee.
And I'm ashamed, kind Christians, to confess
That from the Magistrates I can get no redress.
Therefore I have made up my mind in the year of 1893
To leave the ancient City of Dundee,
Because the citizens and me cannot agree.
The reason why? -- because they disrespect me,
Which makes me feel rather discontent.
Therefore to leave them I am bent;
And I will make my arrangements without delay,
And leave Dundee some early day.       

Glasgow

Glasgow

by William McGonagall

 

Beautiful city of Glasgow, with your streets so neat and clean,
Your stately mansions, and beautiful Green!
Likewise your beautiful bridges across the river Clyde,
And on your bonnie banks I would like to reside.

Chorus
Then away to the West -- to the beautiful West!
To the fair city of Glasgow that I like the best,
Where the river Clyde rolls on to the sea,
And the lark and the blackbird whistle with glee.
'Tis beautiful to see ships passing to and fro,
Laden with goods for the high and the low,
So let the beautiful city of Glasgow flourish,
And may the inhabitants always find food their bodies to nourish.   Chorus The statue of the prince of Orange is very grand,
Looking terror to the foe, with a truncheon in his hand,
And well mounted on a noble steed, which stands in Trongate,
And holding up its foreleg, I'm sure it looks first-rate.

Chorus Then there's the Duke of Wellington's statue in Royal Exchange Square ---
It is a beautiful statue I without fear declare,
Besides inspiring and most magnificent to view,
Because he made the French fly at the battle of Waterloo.   Chorus And as for the statue of Sir Walter Scott that stands in George Square,
It is a handsome statue --- few can with it compare,
And most elegant to be seen,
And close beside it stands the statue of Her Majesty the Queen.

Chorus Then there's the statue of Robert Burns in George Square,
And the treatment he received when living was very unfair;
Now when he's dead, Scotland's sons for him do mourn,
But, alas! unto them he can never return.   Chorus Then as for Kelvin Grove, it is most lovely to be seen,
With its beautiful flowers and trees so green,
And a magnificent water-fountain spouting up very high,
Where the people can quench their thirst when they feel dry.   Chorus Beautiful city of Glasgow, I now conclude my muse,
And to write in praise of thee my pen does not refuse;
And, without fear of contradiction, I will venture to say
You are the second grandest city in Scotland at the present day!  Chorus

I Guess It's Love

Girl, for you
I would brush my teeth
Take a shower
Use deodorant and mouthwash
And put on those briefs
With little red hearts.

You don't even have
To touch me down there.

I'll do those things
Just for You!

The Lady's Dressing Room

The Lady's Dressing Room

  by Jonathan Swift

 

Five hours, (and who can do it less in?)

By haughty Celia spent in dressing;
The goddess from her chamber issues,
Arrayed in lace, brocades and tissues.
Strephon, who found the room was void,
And Betty otherwise employed,
Stole in, and took a strict survey,
Of all the litter as it lay;
Whereof, to make the matter clear,
And inventory follows here.
And first a dirty smock appeared,
Beneath the armpits well besmeared.
Strephon, the rogue, displayed it wide,
And turned it round on every side.
On such a point few words are best,
And Strephon bids us guess the rest,
But swears how damnably the men lie,
In calling Celia sweet and cleanly.
Now listen while he next produces
The various combs for various uses,
Filled up with dirt so closely fixt,
No brush could force a way betwixt.
A paste of composition rare,
Sweat, dandruff, powder, lead and hair;
A forehead cloth with oil upon’t
To smooth the wrinkles on her front;
Here alum flower to stop the steams,
Exhaled from sour unsavory streams,
There night-gloves made of Tripsy’s hide,
Bequeathed by Tripsy when she died,
With puppy water, beauty’s help
Distilled from Tripsy’s darling whelp;
Here gallypots and vials placed,
Some filled with washes, some with paste,
Some with pomatum, paints and slops,
And ointments good for scabby chops.
Hard by a filthy basin stands,
Fouled with the scouring of her hands;
The basin takes whatever comes
The scrapings of her teeth and gums,
A nasty compound of all hues,
For here she spits, and here she spews.
But oh! it turned poor Strephon’s bowels,
When he beheld and smelled the towels,
Begummed, bemattered, and beslimed
With dirt, and sweat, and earwax grimed.
No object Strephon’s eye escapes,
Here petticoats in frowzy heaps;
Nor be the handkerchiefs forgot
All varnished o’er with snuff and snot.
The stockings why should I expose,
Stained with the marks of stinking toes;
Or greasy coifs and pinners reeking,
Which Celia slept at least a week in?
A pair of tweezers next he found
To pluck her brows in arches round,
Or hairs that sink the forehead low,
Or on her chin like bristles grow.
The virtues we must not let pass,
Of Celia’s magnifying glass.
When frightened Strephon cast his eye on’t
It showed visage of a giant.
A glass that can to sight disclose,
The smallest worm in Celia’s nose,

And faithfully direct her nail

To squeeze it out from head to tail;

For catch it nicely by the head,

It must come out alive or dead.
Why Strephon will you tell the rest?
And must you needs describe the chest?
That careless wench! no creature warn her
To move it out from yonder corner;
But leave it standing full in sight
For you to exercise your spite.
In vain the workman showed his wit
With rings and hinges counterfeit
To make it seem in this disguise
A cabinet to vulgar eyes;
For Strephon ventured to look in,
Resolved to go through thick and thin;
He lifts the lid, there needs no more,
He smelled it all the time before.
As from within Pandora’s box,
When Epimetheus op’d the locks,

A sudden universal crew

Of human evils upwards flew;

He still was comforted to find

That Hope at last remained behind;

So Strephon lifting up the lid,

To view what in the chest was hid.

The vapors flew from out the vent,

But Strephon cautious never meant

The bottom of the pan to grope,

And foul his hands in search of Hope.

O never may such vile machine

Be once in Celia’s chamber seen!

O may she better learn to keep

Those “secrets of the hoary deep!”

As mutton cutlets, prime of meat,

Which though with art you salt and beat

As laws of cookery require,

And toast them at the clearest fire;

If from adown the hopeful chops

The fat upon a cinder drops,
To stinking smoke it turns the flame
Pois’ning the flesh from whence it came,
And up exhales a greasy stench,
For which you curse the careless wench;

So things, which must not be expressed,

When plumped into the reeking chest,

Send up an excremental smell

To taint the parts from whence they fell.
The petticoats and gown perfume,
Which waft a stink round every room.
Thus finishing his grand survey,
Disgusted Strephon stole away
Repeating in his amorous fits,
Oh! Celia, Celia, Celia shits!
But Vengeance, goddess never sleeping
Soon punished Strephon for his peeping;
His foul imagination links
Each Dame he sees with all her stinks:
And, if unsavory odors fly,
Conceives a lady standing by:
All women his description fits,
And both ideas jump like wits:
But vicious fancy coupled fast,
And still appearing in contrast.
I pity wretched Strephon blind
To all the charms of female kind;
Should I the queen of love refuse,
Because she rose from stinking ooze?
To him that looks behind the scene,
Satira’s but some pocky queen.
When Celia in her glory shows,
If Strephon would but stop his nose
(Who now so impiously blasphemes
Her ointments, daubs, and paints and creams,
Her washes, slops, and every clout,
With which he makes so foul a rout)
He soon would learn to think like me,
And bless his ravished sight to see
Such order from confusion sprung,
Such gaudy tulips raised from dung.

Vikki Dougan

Vikki turn your back on me
Come on darlin' just for me
'Cause there is something so appealin',that your eyes are not revealin'!Oh, Miss Dougan, you're for me!

Other girls who approach me,
Are beautiful, gorgeous and gay!
But you're so gosh darn more inviting
Going the other way!

REFRAIN
Vikki baby you move me,
In those far-out clothes!
But don't it get chilly flyin' home at night
When that cold cold tail-wind blows?]

REFRAIN
Vikki baby, you rock me,
Without you I'm bereft!
I'm hynotized by those crazy eyes,
And that callipygian cleft!

REFRAIN

Vikki baby, we're older,
My get up and go is gone
But when I see you walking down the street
Them buns still turn me on!

Recorded by the Limelighters

To Dopamine

I. O fair dopamine
wondrous molecule, so cool
even gets you high.
II. Reward, punishment
in dopamine highs and lows
a complete package
III. Tasty dopamine
the umami of my brain
why can't you hate carbs?
IV. Feel the pleasure and
the pain, wrong motivation
dopamine, habit
V. "Neurotransmission"
sad how these long science words
will ruin haikus