An Address to the New Tay Bridge

Beautiful new railway bridge of the Silvery Tay, With thy beautiful side-screens along your railway, Which will be a great protection on a windy day, So as the railway carriages won’t be blown away, And ought to cheer the hearts of the passengers night and day As they are conveyed along they beautiful railway, And towering above the Silvery Tay, Spanning the beautiful river shore to shore Upwards of two miles and more, Which is most wonderful to be seen Near by Dundee and the bonnie Magdalen Green. Thy structure to my eye seems strong and grand, And the workmanship most skilfully planned; And I hope the designers, Messrs Barlow & Arrol, will prosper for many a day For erecting thee across the beautiful Tay. And I think nobody need have the least dismay To cross o’er thee by night or by day, Because thy strength is visible to be seen Near by Dundee and the bonnie Magdalen Green.

William McGonagall 

The Henpecked Husband

Curs'd be the man, the poorest wretch in life,
The crouching vassal to a tyrant wife!
Who has no will but by her high permission,
Who has not sixpence but in her possession;
Who must to he, his dear friend's secrets tell,
Who dreads a curtain lecture worse than hell.
Were such the wife had fallen to my part,
I'd break her spirit or I'd break her heart;
I'd charm her with the magic of a switch,
I'd kiss her maids, and kick the perverse bitch.

Robert Burns

Martinis

I like to have a martini,
Two at the very most.
After three I'm under the table,
After four I'm under my host.

Dorothy Parker